We were perfect parents until we had children
Vanessa Raphaely & Karin Schimke
Jonathan Ball Publishers
ISBN: 9781776192625
Welcome to The Village! The Village is South Africa’s most supportive, non-judgmental and harmonious online community of parents of tweens, teens and young adults. Every member is here because we dream of creating a better world for all our families. We aim to share advice, connections, resources, experiences and some laughs along the way. Because if we can’t laugh while parenting teens, we might as well turn to drink, drugs and other bad behaviour ourselves. (From: The Village Facebook group)
The Village is an online community of parents with teenagers. Members share stories, advice and resources. Vanessa Raphaely, founder of the group, together with poet and journalist Karin Schimke, published a book originating from this group at Jonathan Ball Publishers.
Vanessa Raphaely discusses We were perfect parents until we had children with Naomi Meyer.
I wanted to start this interview with a personal post, asking advice about one of the teens in my house – but decided against it. First question: what is The Village? Where is this village? (And how would a typical response be to a post? What is considered oversharing in The Village?)
The Village is South Africa’s beloved and trusted “Safe Google for Parents”. Got a problem, a question, a story or a moment to share about your tweens, teens or young adults? The Village will welcome you with open hearts and open minds. With kindness and compassion. Without judgment, bullying, trolling, pile-ons or disrespect. We are representatives of 60 000 families on Facebook, 145 000 on Instagram and 45 000 subscribers to our email newsletters and digizines.
Now to the question and its answer: there is no typical answer to this question, as you can never be certain about what so many parents, coming from such diverse backgrounds, will suggest. Speaking on behalf of the group’s admin, we believe there is no right way and many, many, many ways to raise good children into decent humans. What you will find if you do ask any question on the group, is that the answers will be honest and kind.
..........
Speaking on behalf of the group’s admin, we believe there is no right way and many, many, many ways to raise good children into decent humans. What you will find if you do ask any question on the group, is that the answers will be honest and kind.
...........
Each Villager will have tried their best to offer a thought, solution or suggestion that they believe will help. Our mission is to try to reach out to each other to create a better future for all our children, so whatever the answer (and you might receive hundreds of answers – every six months, our admin team approves 8 500 posts, 347 921 comments and over 1 200 000 reactions!), all will endeavour to be useful and to support the parent asking, to find a way that works for them and their children!
I am actually quite a private person (or otherwise I am simply a digital immigrant and not used to writing private stuff on Facebook groups). But at the same time, The Village is such an addictive group. And inviting. And non-judgmental. Who lives in your village? Mostly South Africans, mainly parents of teenagers, mostly mothers? Could you tell me what you know about the people living in your village? Which languages do they speak? What cities do they live in, in real life?
Most of The Village are South African, but we have worldwide reach. Not only expats, but Villagers of all races, religions and demographics – if you’re a parent or involved in the support of tweens, teens and young adults, you will be welcome. As we started in the Western Cape, we still are strongest in this area.
Who is the mayor of The Village? Vanessa, tell me about yourself, please.
The beauty and unique superpower of The Village is that it is not a platform for any individual. While I started it seven years ago, it was because I, being a parent of three tweens and teens at the time, felt that the journey would be much less difficult if I could call on nice, kind people in the same situation as me to help. So, from the beginning, The Village was based on the belief that humans do better with arms outstretched in living, breathing communities.
............
While I started it seven years ago, it was because I, being a parent of three tweens and teens at the time, felt that the journey would be much less difficult if I could call on nice, kind people in the same situation as me to help. So, from the beginning, The Village was based on the belief that humans do better with arms outstretched in living, breathing communities.
.............
To thrive, we all need a virtual tree, in a virtual town square, under which to gather. In any challenging endeavour (and parenting is that, for sure!), sharing and connecting with other humans in similar or very different situations to ourselves is how we are meant to overcome. In the words of many songs, it’s always better when we’re together. When we chat, laugh (hugely important), share, exchange news and opinions, gossip and advise IRL, we are truly held and supported. With help and support, we feel much more powerful and courageous. In South Africa, however, we do not generally enjoy this privilege of effective and functional community. After days at work, we retreat behind high walls and alarm systems to our Netflix and Uber Eats. We can feel isolated, alone and less than, as we press our noses up against the glass of social media, where it looks like everyone else is always richer, happier, better dressed and with better behaved and more accomplished children than ours. While this is all fake, it can fuel loneliness and inadequacy if you’re not actually witnessing the shared shambles of honest parenting. In The Village, the shambles and the challenge is on glorious and unashamed display! The Village offers a means to recreate authentic and honest community on social media, and then, through connections forged, help to build meaningful community IRL.
Why did you create this group, Vanessa?
My daughter will say it’s because she was a terrible demon as a teenager, and I needed help! I tell every person who comes to The Village (in despair or anxiety or fear) that there is no such thing as a terrible teenager, tween or young adult. There are only human beings in pain. There are only bumps and bruises. This is the human condition, and never more than in adolescence. It’s a truth we can’t escape, that the transition from youth to adult just is hard and sore – for both parent and child.
...........
I tell every person who comes to The Village (in despair or anxiety or fear) that there is no such thing as a terrible teenager, tween or young adult. There are only human beings in pain. There are only bumps and bruises. This is the human condition, and never more than in adolescence. It’s a truth we can’t escape, that the transition from youth to adult just is hard and sore – for both parent and child.
............
Emerging from every cocoon always is. If it weren’t, no child would grow and no parent would let go. And there’s no way to raise humans and always get it right. But when you are on your own, you can feel as if you are the worst parent on earth. I found and still find the knowledge that everyone struggles and that everyone has help to offer, plus the fact that I was not alone (in despair, fear, etc), incredibly comforting, and I saw pretty soon that it worked, not only for me, but for thousands of others.
Back to question one. This group is unique, isn’t it? Or maybe this is what life looks like for the teenagers we have in our homes. For them, this “asking a social media friend they have never met about personal stuff” is part of their lives anyway. But there is a major difference: being the parent of a teen is really quite lonely. When you experience teen melt-downs and the things your teenagers can say to you, you sometimes wonder: am I the only one raising horrible people? Then you visit The Village, and you feel slightly better. Maybe this is not a question.
I see I have answered this above! But to expand, I think social media is generally a very dangerous place. For the youth, most of all. There is so much fakery, so much artifice, so much editing, so much show-offery and curation of glossy lives. Already (and AI hasn’t even got started yet!), The Village is a very rare thing on social media – a kind and highly protected space where, hopefully, mostly, its members are able to be honest and authentic. The most satisfying thing our admins love to hear is, “Thanks to The Village, I don’t feel so alone.”
Should I really be asking questions to a group of people I don’t even know? And better yet, talk to my daughter (or my son), not to strangers. Is any subject taboo? What is moral, what is ethical?
Yes, definitely, we have taboo subjects: we do not allow conversations about religion or politics. Or vaccination. And other subjects which are not controversial but cause us to drift away from our focus – we are not the only Facebook group, so we often direct people to other good ones. All of our admins are professionals and excellent at editing and content creation. We provide a curated feed, so no post is guaranteed to be loaded, but what we can promise is that we try to keep everything useful and relevant.
Facebook offers an anonymous option for Villagers looking for answers and not wanting to share their personal details, and we respect this.
...........
Why ask strangers? The power of 60 000 friendly people is like having access to 60 000 experience banks – an incredibly useful sounding board and brains trust.
..........
Why ask strangers? The power of 60 000 friendly people is like having access to 60 000 experience banks – an incredibly useful sounding board and brains trust. Of course, they’re not always right (think of getting advice around a water polo pool or footie field – but we trust that whatever is shared is well meant), but we respect our members and trust them to audit the advice given and use it only if it resonates with them.
That being said, with regard to legal, medical and financial advice, we always strongly suggest/insist that all information gleaned from the group is double-checked with a reputable, professional expert.
Topics I immediately thought of for groups for teen parents: sex, drugs, and rock and roll. How many of your messages cover these topics? What are the typical messages you receive? How many messages per day?
I have posted engagement details above. But, yes – sex, drugs, rock and roll. Plus embarrassment, sleepless nights, sport, falling off horses, disaster in the jungle of night clubs and Long Street, loneliness, education, money, academics, fear of failure, failure to launch, doubts, disappointment – all tween to young adult human life and experience is here.
It’s a town that supports each other and raises children. Are these parents of all cultural groups? How visible is the country’s inequality?
The Village is an accurate representation of the lives lived by all the human beings who contribute to it daily. So, a question asking for recommendations for hotels for a summer holiday in Croatia will pop up next to one about where to source food parcels. We South Africans live in the most unequal society on earth, and we cannot easily escape this reality. But a community that breaks down the walls between these people is a wonderful thing. The most affluent person in The Village can and has been helped when searching for advice for a struggling child, by someone without their privilege, and vice versa.
..........
We South Africans live in the most unequal society on earth, and we cannot easily escape this reality. But a community that breaks down the walls between these people is a wonderful thing. The most affluent person in The Village can and has been helped when searching for advice for a struggling child, by someone without their privilege, and vice versa.
..............
We know there are plenty of teenage pregnancies in this country. Are all the teenagers being talked about sexually active? Are the teenagers happy?
South Africa is a country with horrible gender-based violence and socio-economic problems. The content of The Village reflects reality. (No one is guaranteed happiness, by the way; even in the US Constitution, Americans are guaranteed only the “pursuit” of happiness.) The teen years and young adult years have their good moments and bad; our idea is less to solve our children’s lives and make them into perfect representations of what we consider success to look like (that’s just ego!), but more to support each other to be reliable, resilient and loving role models/rocks who show up for their kids with hope in their hearts. An optimist will raise a much more resilient child than a pessimist. And in a tough country, in a tough climate, sometimes it takes a village to support the supporters.
What about the parents: are they okay? Are they sexually active? How do they manage their own sex lives? How openly is this discussed on this group?
Sex and the absence of sex pops up (you can take the gal out of Cosmo, but not Cosmo out of the gal!) frequently. The stomach-churning truth is that, as our kids’ hormones explode during adolescence, ours implode during menopause. Therefore, with regard to sex, there is a lot to discuss.
Is this a group for parents (of teens) only? Do you shake the dust off your feet when the children are out of the house?
The most beautiful thing about an empty nest is that the next years are filled with opportunity for the parent. Freedom! The weekends are your own! The worst thing is that 1) it can be lonely, and 2) hmm, it appears that parenting is never over.
...........
Freedom! The weekends are your own! The worst thing is that 1) it can be lonely, and 2) hmm, it appears that parenting is never over.
.............
All that being said, getting through in one piece as a parent means that you definitely have to juggle. So, yes, shake the dust off your feet, but keep one eye on The Village to help and be helped. No one is thrown off. We value the wisdom of elders and the fruitfulness of cross-generational conversation, too. We all thrive if we talk to and listen to each other.
I was laughing when I read the part in the book of the little kid who finally sits in the car, and you don’t have to listen to Barney anymore. Followed by the comment: "Just wait for the sweet kid’s friends, a few years later, who come over to vape and drink too much, and litter your house with wild parties when you are gone." What prepares you for the teenage years? And why don’t people like to talk about it? Should people feel that they have to maintain their house of cards?
Buckle up, Buttercup. In comparison with 13-45 (no, only joking!), the toddler years are a piece of cake. Think you’re sleepless now? Ha, ha, ha. To crawl through – which is what most of us do – parents need a sense of humour. Patience. Resilience. Humility. A thick skin. Good friends (The Village has 60 000 to introduce you to). Most importantly, you need to have faith in your child. That your kid will most likely be okay. And that there’s no shame when they’re not. On the bad days, they’re just being human. Or you’re just being human. If you can be your child’s cheerleader and believer-in-chief for 80% of the time, you’re still getting a first-class pass. Be the voice in your kid’s head which says, “You’re loved,” and “You can do it,” and “I believe in you and your path,” and you’ll be well on your way to being the parent they need you to be.
Why did you publish the stuff on social media in a book? How did you decide what would be in the book?
We felt that editing the mass of content down to a collection of gems would be a great curated read. We believe it to be powerful (so many parents, not gurus, sharing their experience and wisdom), and we see the trends of what subjects people are concerned about daily. We could and might still publish 10 books. There’s that much.
............
We felt that editing the mass of content down to a collection of gems would be a great curated read. We believe it to be powerful (so many parents, not gurus, sharing their experience and wisdom), and we see the trends of what subjects people are concerned about daily. We could and might still publish 10 books. There’s that much.
.............
What can prepare you for the way parenthood forever changes you? Is this the reason why this group works so well?
No parent can protect their children. We cannot prepare them so they can dodge and ascend to adulthood without harm or misadventure. Life is a wrecking ball. Some days, it clobbers and flattens you, and some days it whistles past you. What we can try to help parents achieve is to have the most love-filled and authentic experience of parenting their children today. Or just to try keep your wits about you when the proverbial hits the fan. Or just be there, when they need a shoulder, an arm, an ear. The kids are not little blips on a sonar for long; they’re not little moppets or angels for long. They’re not biddable, or accessories to our own ego and vanity, for long. Very soon, your children are just human beings like the rest of us, and all humans do better with someone reliable in their corner. Those people themselves do better with support (I think I’ve said this before!).
What is your vision for the future? Do the parents stay on in The Village when the kids are grown up?
Yes, as long as anyone needs it and finds it useful and they contribute constructively, they are welcome to stay. As a business, it needs to continue to be sustainable and to fulfil its potential, that is, financially reward the professionals who labour so hard to keep it going.
What have you discovered about this country while reading posts on The Village? In this very widely and deeply divided and unequal country, can parenthood and being parents of teenagers indicate that there is more we have in common as parents than what divides us?
Um. I don’t think that The Village holds the answer to all the ills that our poor country suffers. We, all its people, deserve better than our governments, our history, our situation, gives. But every day in this village, we witness acts of grace, generosity and kindness, and I feel that we are all making a good, even if modest, contribution to something decent that is essentially South African – ubuntu, fok voort, maak ’n plan. We have pirate hearts, as I say in the book. As parents, we are a bit like our rugby team – they don’t know what we know, or whatever? South Africans are kind of wonderful, imho. I think The Village proves that people can get along on social media, given certain expectations and guard rails! And that we can help each other in many valuable ways.
Also read:
Flame in the Snow – the love letters of André Brink and Ingrid Jonker