In 1965 a UFO landed on the Old Pretoria Road near Johannesburg. It was observed by two traffic cops who reported seeing a large copper-coloured object hovering over the road before moving off at high speed, leaving a crater and burn marks in the road. The incident was widely reported in the world media and an investigation was announced. Nothing more was heard about it.
Report of Galactic Anthropologist X-330
Location
South Africa, a middle-sized country on Earth, a minor planet in the Minor Solar Galaxy.
Time
The Earth years immediately following a global intra-humanoid conflict. Reconstruction, restraint, rationing followed by post-war economic boom.
Research problem
Population of functional humanoid worker units declining in this region due to the emergence of a new hedonistic, convivial, rebellious, apolitical generation with little respect for the law, education or work. Implications for viability of future slave-gathering parties in this locality.
Geography
The phenomenon has infected all major cities.
Social structure
Gangs of dysfunctional male worker units. Leader imposes authority by strength and cunning. Primary bond: male group. Associated dysfunctional female worker units sometimes shared.
Ethnic composition
Afrikaans, British, Lebanese, Greek, Italian, Portuguese, Coloured.
Lifestyle aims
Style, music, leisure and consumption.
Major gang activity
Defence of territory.
Weapons
Knuckle-dusters, bicycle chains, flick-knives, rubber pipes, clubs, revolvers, straight razors.
Social activities
Gate-crashing parties. Vandalising signs, public phones, parks, bars and cinemas. Joy-riding in stolen cars. Assaulting bystanders. Street-fighting. Petty crime. Confrontations with the police. Illegal dagga and liquor selling. Molesting girls and men. Assaulting Africans and homosexuals. Speedway racing at Wembley Stadium (heroes: Boek Ekhout, Henry Long, Buddy Fuller). Talent shows. Swapping comics. Invading rival gangs’ territory. Racing. Playing chicken. Fights. Arguments. Kissing or embracing in public. Unsanctioned conjunction in the back seats at the bioscope.
Gang names
Jeppe Gang, Fordsburg Deep Gang, Braamie Boys, Alex Boys, North End Gang, Primrose Boys, Brakpan Brekers, South Hills Gang, Rosettenville Gang, the Brakpan Hot Rod Gang, the Greyville Ducktails, the Tough Wheels, the Zackies, the Koeries, etc.
Language
A mix of English, rhyming slang and Afrikaans with loan words from African languages and prison slang.
Useful words and phrases for field researchers
Canned goods (a virgin), goosie (girl), cherrie (girl), clean-up (fight), gander (dance), rort (usually a group fight), clink, cooler, chookie (prison), charras (Indians), bunny boys, moffies or queers (homosexuals), manne (men), quacktail (girlfriend), cutty (girl – Durban), almond rocks (socks), dop (booze), giggleweed (dagga), rammies (trousers), china (from "china plate": mate, buddy, friend), drag (road), gully (road, Durban), ones and twos (shoes), voemies (cars), dagga (marijuana), rock up (arrive), jammies (cars), larney (rich or middle-class person), moer (hit), ore (Afrikaans for English "ears" - the police), operator (calculating person), scope out (look at), French letters (condoms, supplied in little round tins), squeeze (girlfriend), Sheila (bad girl), jack scratches (matches), chaff (talk, persuade, bullshit), tune (talk, opine), cherry, chick (girl), session (gig), woes (aggressive, fierce, angry), barney (group fight), bop and jive (dance), scale (steal), zap (hit), bliksem (hit), voetsek (leave, go), score (buy drugs), arm (unit of usually low-quality dagga in a brown paper packet approximately the size of a humanoid forearm), crack the neck (make an improvised pipe from a bottleneck), bust the neck (start the pipe), buster (the oke who starts the pipe), fireman (the oke second in line for the pipe who lights it with several matches after striking the burning sulphur off the burning match ends), cracking the neck (achieving such a high temperature on starting the pipe that it cracks – huge kudos), outers (down and out), yster (motorbike), scorpions (police), breker (wide boy), skommie (rough, scummy), panelbeat(en) (rough(ed) up), square (conventional or conformist person), change one’s oil (get lucky, enjoy unsanctioned conjunction).
Stimulants
Dagga, brandy and coke, vodka (Sneaky Piet: vodka mixed with red wine), cane spirit and coke (Durban).
Cigarettes
Lucky Strike, Gunston, Texan.
Locations
Cinema, bioscope-cafés, tea rooms, roadhouses, rock ’n’ roll "sessions", dance halls, billiard rooms, bars, public parks.
Popular hangouts
The Casbah roadhouse (Brakpan), the Red Windmill (Port Elizabeth), The Blue Moon Hotel (Cape Town), the Town Hall Café (Boksburg), the Hamburger Hut (Pretoria), the Wayside Café (Johannesburg), La Conga Roadhouse (Hillbrow), The Doll’s House (Jules Street, Johannesburg), St Moritz Roadhouse (Johannesburg), Star Drive-In (Johannesburg), etc.
Food and drink
Simba chips, hot dogs, Chocolate Logs, strawberry milkshakes, Canada Dry, Pez candies and Walt Disney dispensers.
Style (Dysfunctional Male Worker Units – "Okes")
Aim: to look like "a dark, brooding loner, misunderstood and dangerous". Hairstyles: the D-A (duck’s arse), the pompadour, the Folsom, the Apache. Quiffs. Sideburns. Brylcream. La Pebros. Stovepipe trousers. Jeans. White or coloured shirts rolled up to the elbow. String ties. Comb in back pocket. Leather jacket. Duffel coat. White socks. Brightly coloured socks. Jarmans: crêpe-soled shoes studded on the sole with horseshoes or drawing pins. Studded leather belts with big buckles. "Wife beater" sleeveless (string) vests. Gold chains. Gold and silver rings. Tattoos (daggers, hearts, "love", "mother" on the knuckles). Comb for managing hairstyle (often inserted in a sock for easy access). Some combs metal and sharpened at one end to make a weapon.
Style (Dysfunctional Female Worker Units – "Sheilas")
Hairstyles: fountain ponytail, beehive, kiss-curls, pageboy. 50-yard frilly petticoats. Crimplene skirts. Pedal pushers (calf-length trousers). Orlan cardigan with pearl buttons. Bobby socks. Circle skirts. Poodle skirts. Wide belts. Studded belts. Wide plastic ear-rings. Bracelets. Takkies. Ankle chains (for daring female dysfunctional worker units). Court shoes. Stiletto heels. White gloves. Handbag. Clutchbag. Wonder Bra. V-neck sweaters. Jeans. Off-the-shoulder shirts. Moccasins (Tom-Toms, with picture of Elvis Presley). Black eyeliner. Mascara. Painted nails. Pale lipstick. Red lipstick. Light lace scarf. Skin-tone stockings with seam, worn with girdle.
Literature
Superman, Dagwood and Blondie, Mickey Mouse, Classic Comics, Flash Gordon, Desperate Dan, Beano, photo stories.
Song specimen
Standing on the corner in my ones and twos
Down came a joller, singing the blues
He clocked to the left, he clocked to the right,
And out came the dagga as he asked for a light
Singing ducktail boogie …
Jolling on the corner with my razor and chain
Down came the ore, one took my name
He grabbed me by the collar of my charcoal float
Then out came my razor as I slit his throat
Singing ducktail boogie …
Music
Bill Haley and the Comets, Buddy Holly, Brenda Lee, The Crickets, Eddie Cochran, Little Richard, Chubby Checker,, Gene Vincent, Elvis Presley, Johnny "Cry-Baby" Ray, Roy Orbison. Kwela.
Films
Rebel Without a Cause, Jailhouse Rock, The Wild One.
Media
Public telephone, radio, radiogram. Springbok Radio. Radio Lourenço Marques (DJ: David Davies).
Transportation
Fast motorcycles (British, Italian). Norton Commando highly prized. Muscle cars (American). Prized cars include the Studebaker Hawk, ’57 Chevy and the Ford Zephyr Mk 2, "souped up" (to improve performance) and with whitewall tyres.
Concluding overview
Not a form of life that produces functional worker units, or which is conducive to the proper functioning of other worker units.
Dysfunctional humanoids of this type are described as "white tsotsis", or township gangsters. The rot sets in early. Juniors even have their school uniforms tailored to the style. A major activity is "making the proper entrance": revving bikes loudly outside popular venues. More experienced humanoids of this type frequently attend "shebeens" in townships to party with tsotsis and their molls (girlfriends). Groups of these oke humanoids terrorise city centres, selling liquor to Africans, smoking dagga, chaffing girls from the commercial colleges, and assaulting passers-by. There are frequent confrontations between gangs of such okes and members of the police and armed forces.
Recommendation
Abandonment of this (sub-) group as a source of functional youth labour. Reassess in thirty or forty Earth years.
Postscript
This field study was found in a spiral-backed notebook discovered in 1980 in the dry recess of a stormwater drain near the location on the Old Pretoria Road where the 1965 sighting of the UFO was reported to have occurred. The notebook found its way into the pubic domain via a robbery on the finder’s smallholding, a police evidence room, a courtroom, a lawyer’s briefcase, the inside pocket of a hijacker’s leather jacket, a table at the Market Café, a journalist’s shoulder bag, and a small article in Mail & Guardian on "Crime and Culture Cross Paths", which argued that the notebook was in fact a long-lost possession of the well-known South African playwright Paul Slabolepszy.
The exact alien status of the document is at present unconfirmed. Its obviously exemplary and wide-ranging field work has, however, recently been confirmed by detailed academic studies conducted by Katie Mooney.
Apparently the research was written up in English for reasons of convenience. It is not known if X-330 kept other, perhaps more extensive, notes. 23 UFOs were spotted near Witbank in March 2009.