Darryl David and his St Bernard (Photos: Izak de Vries)
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DA leader Dean Macpherson says he will put on his Speedo and wade into the water this Friday if Ethekwini mayor Mxolisi Kaunda leads by example and swims in the seas of Durban to show Durban residents they have nothing to fear.
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Twenty-two days and counting. And then we will be hitting the road home to KZN. By “we”, I mean my wife and daughter and our five dogs. Two St Bernards, two basset hounds and a Bloemfontein-born pavement special the size of a handbag that no corruptible ANC minister would visit the Gupta Saxonwold household with.
There is, however, consternation in the David household. It’s a dog’s life, I tell you. The beaches in Mossel Bay might very well be closed. So, our annual dip on Mossel Bay’s beaches might be off the table. I suggested Durban. Apparently, the pavement special and the male St Bernard are saying they will not be caught dead on those beaches. (Well, maybe I must watch my idiomatic expressions!) The other mutts, however, are longing for the warmer waters of KZN’s beaches. How I know this will become obvious a bit later.
The beach quandary arose after I read a Rapport article, “Jy swem eers, dan swem ons, Meneer die Burgemeester”, which stated that Durban may be forced to keep their beaches closed due to high E. coli levels in the water. Yes, shit happens. Especially under the ANC.
DA leader Dean Macpherson says he will put on his Speedo and wade into the water this Friday if Ethekwini mayor Mxolisi Kaunda leads by example and swims in the seas of Durban to show Durban residents they have nothing to fear. This after the closure of beaches in Durban has been causing a stink in the ANC-mis-led metro of Durban since August.
But, before I go on, where is the imagination from the DA leader? With a surname like Macpherson, little wonder he is fearful and not bolder in his challenge to the ANC.
If I were in charge, I would have led the way with a headline like: “Blue wave about to take over Durban”.
Where is the imagination, DA? And then, I would have gotten thousands of DA supporters in their blue shirts to lead the way into the ocean. Not follow an ANC mayor.
But, of course, I have some inside information which Macpherson is not privy to. You see, at the recent BookBedonnerd book festival, I was talking to a philosophy professor, telling him about my St Bernard’s “anger management” challenges. He and his wife suggested I use a pet whisperer. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I tell you; and so, the Monday after the festival, I engaged the services of this pet whisperer. She can supposedly cure your dog by simply seeing a photo of your dog.
Anyway, it turns out that in the dog world, there is also a lot of politics. Apparently, my St Bernard (Fudge) is sweet on Helen Zille’s female terrier (Troy). And apparently, Cyril’s cattle dog is also sending out unwanted vibes to Helen’s terrier. And the pet whisperer tells me that this is the cause of my St Bernard’s anger issues. The poor lad is caught up in a love triangle. Now, as unbelievable as this might sound, I assure you that this pet whisperer told me things about what my dog had said about me, that left me in no doubt that this woman was actually speaking to my dog.
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Now, apparently the reason why Mayor Kaunda will not be donning an ANC-coloured Speedo is not because he fears the shitty water quality of the Indian Ocean in Durban (all Rajbansi’s fault, mind you!).
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Now, apparently the reason why Mayor Kaunda will not be donning an ANC-coloured Speedo is not because he fears the shitty water quality of the Indian Ocean in Durban (all Rajbansi’s fault, mind you!). Apparently, Cyril’s cattle dog, Hamlet, says that they in the ANC can smell a trap a mile away. (Clearly, they can’t smell the stink they have caused in Durban, though.)
Apparently, they are fearful of that Zuma phrase: “The ANC will rule until Jesus comes.” The thinking is that this entire swimming dare is not so innocent. The ANC believe it is being funded by white monopoly capital. (I told the pet whisperer, I am paying you good money, don’t talk bullshit.) But, apparently, my St Bernard has been having digs at Cyril’s cattle dog, Hamlet, saying things like, “You’re such a scared dog, even your owner has to hide money in the furniture ... and you did nothing while the crooks stole the money.” I must tell you that, as a literature man myself, I felt immense pride in my boy. I raised him well.
Apparently, the ANC believe that white monopoly capital has succeeded in buying the vote of Jesus. Their “intelligence” places Jesus somewhere around Botha’s Hill, about 20 kilometres before Durban, so they fear the end is near. And they are seriously worried that Jesus is going to be wearing a blue DA T-shirt when he rides into Durban on a donkey draped in the ANC flag. I told the pet whisperer, don’t talk kak to me, to which she replied, “Do you want me to tell you what you do in your bedroom?”
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They know what “we” white monopoly capitalists in the DA are up to, according to Hamlet. You just want to subliminally plant the idea of a blue wave taking over South Africa into voters’ heads.
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Carry on, I said. Yes, apparently Hamlet the cattle dog says that this is the reason why his master told the Durban mayor not to allow the people who award Blue Flag status to beaches anywhere near the city of Durban. They know what “we” white monopoly capitalists in the DA are up to, according to Hamlet. You just want to subliminally plant the idea of a blue wave taking over South Africa into voters’ heads.
But our mayor was too clever for you, boasts Hamlet. We opened our beaches and we will show you that the visitors from Gauteng will still come and swim in our shitty-coloured water.
To which my St Bernard, Fudge, apparently replied, “You will only get people from Egoli because you changed the name of Joburg to Ecoli during the Zuma years, and those Joburgers are now so used to the shithole Joburg has become.”
I must tell you I was in awe of my boy. Apparently, Helen’s terrier is now madly in love with my boy.
But the pet whisperer continues. Hamlet says the reason why the mayor will not step into that ocean is not because the E. coli levels of the water are too high – it is that they fear that Jesus will part the waters as the DA goes deeper and deeper into the ocean. And just as in the Bible, when the ANC follow, the sea will drown the entire ANC mis-leadership of Durban. “You think we’re stupid?” says Hamlet the cattle dog. “We called you mlungu because of the white of the waves you made with your ships when you came to our land. We know the sea is your ally.”
And, apparently, they are even more fearful of the other version of this biblical parable playing out. That Moses, too, might be bought out by white monopoly capital and bang his staff on the ocean floor and drown the sorry mis-leadership of the ANC. “We know you would like nothing better than to mock us and say – even in a region named Moses Mabhida – that Moses sided with you ex-National Party followers of Verwoerd,” said Hamlet.
The pet whisperer then asked me quite out of the blue the other day, “Is it true that you love the South Coast? And that you are planning to dip your toes in the waters of the South Coast?”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
Your boy, Fudge, told me. Apparently, he and Helen’s terrier, Troy, believe there is a good chance they will meet on the South Coast. Apparently, Helen has set her sights on taking over the Hibiscus Coast and might be on the KZN South Coast this December.
Yes, Port Shepstone is my mother’s hometown. That is where we will be going. Of course, we will give Margate and Shelley Beach a miss as far as beaches are concerned. Far from the madding crowd and all that. But that drive from Hibberdene through Umzumbe and Umtentweni onwards to Port Shepstone – there is nothing quite like it in all of South Africa. For beaches, maybe Pumula or Southbroom or Trafalgar or Leisure Bay. Or even Port Shepstone beach, with its black and white lighthouse.
Yes, the ANC can debate on whether to take a dip or not. All I can tell Mayor Kaunda is that whatever he decides, his party will take a dip of a different kind in Durban, whether he likes it or not. They can argue whether Umhlanga, Ohlanga, Addington Beach or the iconic Golden Mile is fit for swimming or not. They can argue whether the ANC will remain in power in 2024. This Christmas, my family and dogs will dip our feet in the warm waters of the Indian Ocean around Port Shepstone. It might very well be ANC country, but it is my maternal heartland. No political party can take that away from me.
And while I might always like to tell people at book festivals, “Daar’s ink in my are” – and blue ink, at that – they must always remember: “Salt water runs through my veins.”