Litnet

Ek het al verwys na Nigel Nicolson se boek Portrait of a Marriage (1973), as een van die aangrypendste boeke wat ek gelees het (SêNet 25.11.2011). Die onderwerp is die huwelik van sy ouers, Harold Nicolson en Vita Sackville-West. Albei was biseksueel. Om oor so 'n omstrede onderwerp met soveel ewewig en ingehoue emosie te skryf, het ongetwyfeld baie van die outeur geverg. In sy outobiografie (SêNet 6.03.2012) vertel Nigel dat hy in ruil vir hierdie skrywersprestasie uitgekryt is as iemand wat intieme familiesake vir eie gewin gekommersialiseer het.

Onlangs het daar 'n boek van 'n ander aard maar met 'n soortgelyke titel verskyn, Alexandra (Bo) Fuller (gebore in 1969) se Falling: The Story of a Marriage (San Franciso: Byliner, 2012; slegs elektronies beskikbaar). Fuller is veral bekend as die outeur van die boeke Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight (2001) en Cocktails Under the Three of Forgetfulness (2011). Sy is in Engeland gebore maar het in 1972 saam met haar ouers in Rhodesië (later Zimbabwe) gaan bly. Sy het 'n graad aan 'n Kanadese universiteit verwerf en in Malawi en Zambië gewoon voordat sy haar in 1994 met haar man en hulle eersteling, Sarah (gebore in 1993), in Amerika gevestig het. Daarna het nog twee kinders bygekom.

Die eerste sin in die boek is: "I don't want to be married to you" (Kindle 49). Dan vertel Bo van die ongeluk in 2011 in Idaho waarin haar man, die Amerikaner Charles Ross, ernstig beseer is toe 'n perd op hom geval het. Dit het hulle hele situasie verander. Sy was toe skielik vol bekommernis oor Charlie en onseker of dit werklik die laaste woorde was wat sy hom toegesnou het. "I wanted to take back everything I had ever said to hurt Charlie" (K 435). Anderhalf jaar voor die ongeluk het sy reeds oor egskeiding begin lees. Die inisiatief het van haar uitgegaan, want sy het 'n buite-egtelike verhouding aangeknoop.

"I fell in love with a backcountry explorer and had an emotionally complicated, geographically challenging affair" (K 954). Sy het Charlie daarvan vertel. "We went to half a dozen marriage counselors. I hated them. Charlie liked them. We separated twice. But both times we crashed back toward one another, unable to tolerate the painful panic of ourselves alone and of the children's bewildered sorrow" (K 960). Bo het haar man ontmoet toe hy safari's in Zambië gereël het. Hy het 'n fisiek-aktiewe, buiteluglewe gelei. Haar man was 'n dekade ouer as sy. Op hulle troue het die priester oor die huwelik gesê: "The first year is hard, and after that it gets worse" (K 565).

"Once we, too, had functioned well as a unit: Charlie containing us with his unflappable calm and doing what he could to control my dust-devil unpredictability" (K 163). Bo erken dat sy, anders as Charlie, geneig is om te oorreageer. "'You always take things too far,' Charlie told me" (K 839). Anders as hy, praat sy baie. Sy wek die indruk van 'n tierwyfie wat altyd haar sin wil hê. Charlie het soms hierdie redelike vraag geopper: "Why does it always have to be your way?" (K 537). Ander kere het Charlie gevra: "What's wrong?" en "Nothing" as antwoord gekry (K 719).

"The longer the list of unsaid things between us grew, the more unsayable they became. Imperceptibly, we began a slow, wounded retreat from one another. Piece by piece, we put the vulnerable, the hesitant, the raw parts of ourselves into ever more private chambers where they could not be held up for scrutiny or condemnation, an incremental self-inflicted exile in full view of each other" (K 719). Bo was dwars en beterweterig. Vervreemding het toenemend ingetree. Sy noem dit "our long cold war" (K 684). "My marriage with Charlie had contracted into a grocery-list relationship: finances, children, housekeeping ... Instead of revealing our souls, we recounted complaints. Then we had nothing left to say" (K 379). Ander kere was Charlie beswaard, want "I swore too much, drank too much" (K 684).

Reeds in Zambië het Bo gedink: "Charlie's love for me was waning - I'd been a disappointment" (K 765). Die teks bestaan uit die gebeure wat uit die ongeluk gevolg het. Enersyds die mediese, hoofsaaklik liggaamlike, aspekte. Andersyds die geestelike stryd in die egpaar met as keuse versoening of egskeiding. Tussenin is daar talle terugflitse na hulle samesyn in suidelike Afrika en Amerika.

Na die ongeluk het Charlie sy bewussyn behou. 'n Ambulans het hom na die naaste hospitaal in Driggs geneem. Hy het klaarblyklik gebreekte ribbes gehad. In die hospitaal is vasgestel dat van sy ander organe ook beskadig is. Die ergste was 'n geskeurde milt. Weens die erns van sy beserings is hy per helikopter na 'n traumahospitaal in Idaho Falls oorgeplaas. Tydens 'n operasie is sy milt verwyder. Charlie het spraak- en ander reaksieprobleme ontwikkel. Daar is bevind dat hy beroerte gehad het. Sy toestand het al hoe meer versleg. "Although Charlie was right in front of us, the doctor and nurses began to speak of him in the third person, and I could tell it wouldn't be too much of a jump for them to begin referring to him in the past tense" (K 825). Bo was feitlik deurgaans aan Charlie se sy. Die dokters en ander hospitaalpersoneel het haar as uiters bemoeisiek ervaar. Sy het besluit dit kon nie so voortgaan nie. "The more time we lost, the more we were losing Charlie" (K 846). Sy wou hom na 'n ander hospitaal laat oorplaas. "'Moving him is very risky,' the doctor said. 'So is keeping him here,' I said" (K 853).

In 'n ambulans is Charlie na die lughawe en met 'n vliegtuig is hy na Salt Lake City vervoer. Daar het die dokter bevind: "There's not enough blood getting to his brain to support normal life" (K 1021). "The nurse said, 'Does your husband have a living will?'" (K 1043). Bo het haar ouers gebel: "I think Charlie's dying," en gehuil. "The surgeon returned and said there was nothing they could do for Charlie in this hospital ... 'The University of Utah hospital might be able to do something'" (K 1046). Bo is per helikopter saam met haar "dream-relinguished spouse" (K 1053) na hierdie vierde hospitaal en dit binne die bestek van vier dae sedert die ongeluk. Daar het die dokters die bloedtoevoer na Charlie se brein wonderbaarlik herstel: "Charlie came solidly into consciousness" (K 1087).

Aanvanklik het Bo skuldig oor die ongeluk gevoel, want sy het aan allerhande dinge gedink wat sy kon gedoen het om die ramp te voorkom. 'n Sêding van haar pa het haar gerusgestel: "If it's not the end of the world, it doesn't matter. And if it is the end of the world, it matters even less" (K 408). Charlie het tuis in Amerika gevoel, terwyl Bo nostalgies terug na Afrika verlang het. "The place, with all its beautiful difficulties, supplanted the need for real conversation, filled the space that might have been left for the exchange of ideas and intimacy, and made up in drama and splendor what we lacked in closeness" (K 716).

Hulle is weg uit Afrika oënskynlik omdat Bo malaria opgedoen het. In werklikheid het hulle reeds voor die tyd besluit om uit Afrika pad te gee. Hulle het die ellendes, onbestendigheid en gevare van Afrika eerstehands ervaar. In Amerika sou dit na verwagting anders wees: "We would have electricity and running water and refrigeration. Our lives would be good and ordinary and sane" (K 823).

In Afrika het hulle finansieel gesukkel om die mas op te kom. In Amerika was hulle inkomste meer maar die lewenskoste was baie hoër. "We had always seemed more or less short of money. 'We're on the bones of our arses,' Dad would say" (K 897). Hulle het 'n huisie in Idaho gebou. "It was a charmless if pragmatic box" (K 901). Die stryd om bestaan het nie hulle verhouding verbeter nie. Charlie het aanvanklik as 'n riviergids in Jackson, Wyoming, gewerk. Daarna het hy 'n eiendomsagent geword. "It took Charlie more than a year to sell his first property" (K 911). Later het hy beter gevaar. Bo was 'n kelnerin in 'n restaurant. Daarna het sy 'n deeltydse werk in 'n kantoor gehad. Sy het begin om 'n roman te skryf.

"Charlie and I had let the sun set on our anger too many nights, too many months, too many years in a row. We had brought each other our defenses, not our vulnerabilities; we had attacked one another with our strengths instead of shoring one another up with them; we had been disloyal to one another and to ourselves. We had allowed old, unrelated wounds to become the battle scars of our marriage. We had been so careless, so cavalier, so arrogant, always assuming there would be another day, another chance, another way to fix ourselves, to forgive one another" (K 874).

Hulle het van Idaho na Jackson, Wyoming, verhuis agter Charlie se werk aan. Sy het weer deeltyds kantoorwerk gedoen. Soggens het sy om vier-uur begin skryf. In Jackson het hulle 'n groter en beter huis gebou. Bo se eerste agt romans is deur uitgewers afgekeur. Sy het in depressie en kalmeermiddels verval. "Sometimes I got drunk and railed, 'You seem so unhappy. What are we doing this all for?' Charlie would look embarrassed on my behalf" (K 937). Bo het haar negende roman aan haar agent voorgelê. Die agent "felt it was a waste of time to continue writing and a waste of her time to continue representing me" (K 940). Dit is toe dat Charlie aan sy vrou die volgende raad gee, wat sy wyslik besluit het om te volg: "If you are determined to be a writer, maybe you should just write the truth" (K 944).

"The pages seemed different from what I had written before - nonfiction instead of fiction, obviously - ... but also of me, unconventional and brutal and honest" (K 947). Haar nuwe agent het gou 'n uitgewer vir haar eerste nie-fiksieboek, oor Rhodesië, gevind. "Suddenly I had a public voice and a full, distinct life from the one I had shared with Charlie. For the first time since falling in love with him, I could imagine myself as a separate being from him. And because of that, our arguments became more damaging" (K 947). Haar sukses as skrywer en gevolglike groter onafhanklikheid het dus hulle huweliksprobleme vererger. "Charlie grew tired of the way I seemed to need to peel back the scrabs on old wounds and explore the painful, bloody parts of my violent history. I told him I was compelled to dig into the world in this way. He said it was unnatural and unhealthy and made me a terrifying wife" (K 950).

[Die jongste voorbeeld van Fuller se nie-fiksie is 'n artikel oor Zimbabwe in die tydskrif National Geographic, Mei 2013, p 72-93. Sy het Zimbabwe teen die einde van verlede jaar besoek. In vergelyking met Peter Godwin (SêNet 19, 24, 26 en 30.01.2012) wek Fuller se artikel 'n flou of lam indruk; ook in vergelyking met haar prosa in Falling. Sy word oënskynlik aan bande gelê deur politieke korrektheid en waarskynlik ook deur haar tradisionele liberalisme.]

In 2008 het die boom uit die Amerikaanse eiendomsmark geval. Hulle sou finansieel ernstig moet besnoei. Bo het min simpatie met haar man getoon. "There was a long, silent standoff. Then Charlie said, 'I am a decent, good person, Bo'" (K 1001). "I saw my cruelty ... 'I'm sorry' ... God, what made me so cruel and blunt?" (K 1001). "I tried to image how it would be to downsize: Charlie and me confined again to a little cottage; his worried silence, my reactive chatter, our repressed anger at one another erupting into periodic shouting ... I realized it was too late ... we'd killed the very possibility of small air between us. We were a broken working relationship" (K 1011).

Toe Charlie se toestand 'n gunstige wending neem, het sy ouers by die hospitaal opgedaag. Bo se skoonma "found me alarmingly outspoken and intemperate, an inappropriate wife" (K 1105). Haar skoonpa het 'n renons gehad in "liberals, taxes, and uppity women" (K 1108). "At least once a visit, my father-in-law and I would have a vehement disagreement ... Our arguments would almost always devolve into incoherence ... partly because I often used bad language and sometimes shouted" (K 1111). "After these disturbances, Charlie would be withdrawn, disapproving - what other way was there to be? He couldn't be expected to take sides against his own father" (K 1118). "'You always have to go on and on and on,' Charlie said. 'You never know when to stop' ... Charlie wanted me to keep my own family's exuberant lunacy and drunkenness at arm's length" (K 1122). "'You're just like your father,' I would shout" (K 1125).

By Charlie se siekbed het die keerpunt gekom toe Bo se skoonpa vir haar vra: "Are you sure you've done everything you can for Charlie?" (K 1170). "I was capable of provoking irritation in the best of people in the easiest of times. 'Yes,' I said. 'I believe I have done all I can.' My father-in-law's face hardened into a familiar expression of offended censure" (K 1174). Toe sê Bo: "'Charlie is going to be okay.' Then I said, 'And I'm going home now'" (K 1177). Sy het dieselfde aan Charlie gesê. "What I knew was that I could stay by Charlie's side forever and ever and yet nothing would get better, nothing would ever change, because I was me and Charlie was who he was" (K 1184). "I knew that if I had to, I would do everything in my power to save his life over and over and over again. But what I also knew was that I couldn't save our marriage. We couldn't save our marriage. The knot had loosened for the last time and finally untied" (K 1194).

Fuller skryf ongetwyfeld uitstekende prosa. Daar is heelwat brutale opregtheid in die boek, al lyk dit asof sy soms oordramatiseer en die teks aandik om dit interessanter as die feite te maak. Sy slaag as outeur en seker ook finansieel, maar die blootstelling waaraan sy haar en haar familie onderwerp bring mee dat sy haar siel in die proses ten minste deels verkoop. Aan haar broer het sy erken: "I've made such a mess of everything" (K 1142).

Johannes Comestor