Litnet

Die huwelik is myns insiens ’n problematiese sosiale instelling. In sommige gevalle is die huweliksbande so swaar dat drie daaraan moet dra. Maar ’n huwelik is vir twee bedoel. Enersyds kan tweeheid in ’n verhouding moontlik bereik word as ’n huweliksgenoot sterf. Nadat Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973) se man in 1952 dood is, het Charles Ritchie (1906-1995), haar minnaar sedert 1941, egter tot sy dood met dieselfde vrou getroud gebly. Huweliksgewys was dit dus vir Bowen uiteindelik ’n tevergeefse liefde. Ek het voorheen oor hulle aangrypende korrespondensie geskryf (SêNet, 21.09.2011).

Andersyds kan tweeheid moontlik bereik word deur egskeiding. Dit is die pad wat Nancy Mitford (1904-1973), wat in 1933 getrou en in 1958 geskei het, met die ongetroude Gaston Palewski (1901-1984) geloop het. Sedert 1942 was dit vir albei "the most significant personal and emotional attachment of their lives" (Hilton, bron hieronder, p 3). Huweliksgewys was dit egter vir Mitford uiteindelik ’n verlore liefde, want in 1969 is Palewski met iemand anders getroud.

Ek verkies dat vroue (en ook mans) goed behandel word, maar ek het geen behae in militante feministiese aktivisme nie. Dit wil egter voorkom asof vroue vanweë die sosiale opset in so ’n spel dikwels slegter as mans daaraan toe is. George Eliot (die skuilnaam van Mary Ann Evans, 1819-1880) se waarneming is: "It is piteous to see the helplessness of sweet women when their affections are disappointed" (Jenny Uglow, George Eliot, London: Virago, 2008, p 239).

Ek het al geskryf oor die ses Mitford-susters (SêNet, 25.10.2011), "the Mitfords, so clever, so lucky, so beautiful" (Hilton, p 28), en spesifiek oor die oudste suster, Nancy (SêNet, 18.10.2011). Onlangs is Lisa Hilton se boek, The horror of love (London: Phoenix, 2012, 290p), "the biography of a love affair" (p xii), gepubliseer. Hierdie aanstootlike titel is ’n Nancy-frase (p 198); aanstootlik omdat liefde ook van die beste dinge kan wees waartoe mense in staat is, al is dit nie altyd wys nie. Op die voorkant van die boek is die newetitel: "Nancy Mitford and Gaston Palewski in Paris and London."

Soos Mitford het Hilton daarin geslaag om sowel die Britse as die Franse kulturele lewe in groot mate en eerstehands te absorbeer, wat van haar ’n uitstekende outeur oor hierdie onderwerp maak. Palewski se voorouers was Poolse Jode maar hy het in Frankryk opgegroei en meesal daar gewoon. Hy het op sy beurt tydens lang periodes van verblyf in Engeland baie elemente van die Britse kultuur sy eie gemaak. "A good deal has been made of Nancy Mitford's enduring romance with France, but Gaston had a similar tendresse for many aspects of Englishness" (p 18). "Her friends agreed that despite her beautiful French and impeccable couture wardrobe, Nancy remained English to her perfectly straight backbone" (p 26).

Palewski "was no one's dream of an ideal French lover" (p 1). "Gaston operated on a principle of maximum returns, making passes at practically every woman he came across" (p 2). "He was a selfish, career-obsessed philanderer" (p 5). Maar hy was ook "an exceptionally competent and courageous military man" (p 47). Hy was Charles de Gaulle se regterhand en het ontwikkel tot "one of the most brilliant and committed French politicians of his generation" (p 49). Haar verhouding met Palewski het Mitford in ’n ongemaklike situasie geplaas. By geleentheid het sy aan hom gesê: "'I have given up everything ... My friends, my family, my country,' and he simply roared with laughter and then of course so did I" (p 5).

Na haar ontmoeting met Palewski word van Mitford gesê: "The keystones of her romantic philosophy become civilization and adulthood ... To be a civilized adult seems a spare ambition, but for Nancy it was the end of art and of life" (p 4). "Gaston was her great love, and he dominated her beliefs about art, politics, about the way life should be approached and lived" (p 4). Palewski se loopbaan het getoon "that it was possible to be intensely devoted to a duty while retaining all the refinements of a cultivated existence" (p 50). Daar was by hom ’n "taste for beauty and the life of the spirit" (p 50).

Volgens Mitford se korrespondensie "fidelity is not the point of marriage, though it may well be the end; adultery, if properly managed, may be a highly civilized pursuit" (p 5). Maar sy het ook ’n kultuur verwerp waarin "respect for parents, love of the home, veneration of marriage ties is at a discount" (p 62). Mettertyd vind haar soeke na "the meaning of civilization and the role of art and the intellect" in haar skryfwerk neerslag (p 42). "Clothes ... was seen as part of the essential business of civilization" (p 186). Volgens Mitford "there is a crucial connection between elite culture, the standards of elegance and taste set by the educated and cultivated, and the life of the land, of the people" (p 230). "In Civilization [1928],Clive Bell [van Bloomsbury-faam, 1881-1964] argues for the necessity of a leisured elite to produce a culture" (p 227).

Mitford het haar aanvanklik by ’n Londense kunsskool ingeskryf, maar sy het spoedig tot die gevolgtrekking gekom dat sy geen talent vir skilder het nie. Sy het toe op skryfwerk besluit. "If only I had any real talent I would so much rather remain single" (p 38). Vyf jaar lank was sy verloof aan, en in ’n nie-seksuele verhouding met, die alkoholis en homoseksueel, Hamish St Clair Erskine (1909-1973), wat onder andere ’n seksuele verhouding met haar broer, Thomas (1909-1945), gehad het. Mitford "had had relationships with at least three other quite eligible young men, but she stuck with Hamish" (p 38). Die verlowing is verskeie kere verbreek en sy het selfs selfmoord probeer pleeg. Na vyf jaar, in 1933, het Mitford finaal besluit dat Hamish onhervormbaar is. "A week later, Nancy was engaged to another man" (p 46).

Toe Mitford 28 jaar oud was, was sy steeds diep bewus van haar tekortkominge. Oor een van haar karakters skryf sy: "Her brain was like a mirror, reflecting the thoughts and ideas of her more intelligent friends and the books she read" (p 42). ’n Ander karakter sê: "The trouble is that people seem to expect happiness in life. I can't imagine why, but they do. They are unhappy before they marry and they imagine to themselves that the reason for their unhappiness will be removed when they are married. When it isn't, they blame the other person, which is clearly absurd" (p 43). Liefde moet nie oorromanties benader word nie. "Love ... is a talent like any other ... love is to be approached with thought and consideration, distinguished from juvenile fantasy, and impossible to maintain without a solid compatibility of interest and outlook" (p 43-44). Hilton verskaf dan hierdie sobere perspektief: "Nancy can recognize this in art, if not act upon it in life" (p 44).

Die persoon aan wie Mitford binne ’n week verloof geraak het en met wie sy in dieselfde jaar (1933) getroud is, is Peter Rodd (Prod, 1904-1968). Hy het aangevoer dat sy huweliksaanbod bloot ’n grap was, maar sy het daarop aangedring dat hy uitvoering daaraan moet gee. Vir die byna dertigjarige Mitford "Peter represented pretty much her last chance" (p 52). Sy wou die "twilight state of aunthood" vermy (p 53). Op grond van haar geskiedenis is Mitford deur haar skoonfamilie as "shop-soiled" beskou (p 56).

Rodd het geblyk baie lui te wees en daarby ’n alkoholis. "Peter clearly had a promising future as a loser" (p 52). Hy kon geen betrekking lank hou nie en was oneerlik, bv deur Mitford se geld te steel. In bronne word hy "the most boring man in the world" genoem (p 51). Al wat in sy guns getel het, was sy adellike afkoms en sy voorkoms. Hy het gelyk soos "a chorister on his way to a brothel" (p 51). "He appeared to prefer to make love with ladies whose profession it was" (p 56).

Hulle het hulle wittebrood in Italië deurgebring. "Her jokes annoyed and never amused him; when she said that all the sites in Rome were called after London cinemas, he complained that she was insular, facetious and babyish" (p 55). "Quite early in her marriage, Nancy had to confront the fact that Peter simply didn't care enough for her to rouse himself from his over-entitled indolence" (p 58). Haar huwelik het vir haar ’n verleentheid geword. Sedert 1939 het hulle selde saam gewoon. Rodd was by talle buite-egtelike verhoudings betrokke. Mitford het twee miskrame gehad. Rodd was net by die eerste een aandadig. Mitford het ’n verhouding met Roy André Desplats-Pilter (1904-1945) aangeknoop. "It was during this relationship that Nancy suffered the ectopic pregnancy that destroyed her fertility" (p 132).

In Frankryk het die Rodd-egpaar republikeinse vlugtelinge uit Spanje versorg. "Like George Orwell, she [Mitford] felt terribly let down when she saw the noble proletariat close up" (p 87). Maar dit was die einde van haar simpatie met Fascisme. Sy het ook sterk anti-Amerikaanse gevoelens gekoester toe Wes-Europa in die Tweede Wêreldoorlog aanvanklik aan sy eie lot oorgelaat is. Palewski was deel van die groep Franse wat onder die leiding van Charles de Gaulle na Engeland uitgewyk het. "Nancy Mitford's involvement with the Free French began in August 1940, when she took a job in a canteen at White City established for French soldiers who had been interned after Dunkirk" (p 128). "One of Nancy's favourite stories was of the tart whose wartime business was going so well she wished she could open a second front" (p 132). Nadat Frankryk van Nazi-besetting bevry is, het "a woman accused of sleeping with Germans" gesê: "My ass is international, but my heart is French!" (p 164).

In haar dagboek vir 1941 het Mitford geskryf: "Marriage is the most important thing in life and must be kept going at almost any cost, it should only be embarked on where there is, as well as physical love, a complete conformity of outlook. Women, as well as men, ought to have a great many love affairs before they marry as the most critical moment in a marriage is the falling off of physical love, which is bound to occur sooner or later and only an experienced woman can know how to cope with this. If not properly dealt with, the marriage is bound to go on the rocks" (p 131).

In 1942 het Mitford en Palewski in Londen ontmoet en met ’n verhouding begin. Na die publikasie van The Pursuit of Love in 1945 het Mitford algemeen bekend as romanskrywer geword. Palewski tree as die karakter Fabrice de Sauveterre in die roman op. "His lovemaking was an education and a revelation" (p 134). Oor die karakter Linda skryf Mitford: "She ... knew that this was love ... she knew that never before" (p 133). Na die oorlog, in 1946, het Mitford haar in Frankryk gevestig om naby Palewski te wees en haar skryfwerk voort te sit. "Oh, to live in Paris, I'd give anything" (p 153). "I am so completely happy here ... I feel ... as though I had come out of a coalmine into daylight" (p 155). "Nancy's letters sing with happiness" (p 155). "She did structure her life around Gaston" (p 192).

Palewski "blamed the 'cold respectability' of his new position for the impossibility of Nancy staying at his apartment, but within a month, she had found a flat just along the street" (p 155). Die Jood Palewski het die Rooms-Katolieke geloof aanvaar. Hy het Mitford wysgemaak dat hy vanweë sy religie nie met ’n geskeide vrou kon trou nie. ’n Ander probleem was Mitford se onvermoë om kinders te hê. "Nancy was ... forced to confront her belief that since a child was one thing she could not give him, he was entitled to look elsewhere" (p 83). Palewski het gesê "he would only take a wife to have children and that it would make no difference at all to his feelings for her" (p 255). "Gaston's preference was for married society women ... This may have been partly due to a fear of scandal" (p 197).

In Mitford se ander blitsverkoper, Love in a Cold Climate (1949), gee sy raad oor "the French method of keeping one's lover – that is, to give way to him in everything" (p 192). Haar volgende roman, The Blessing (1951) "is effectively a guide to how to deal with adulterous husbands" (p 203). "A woman who lets her husband do exactly as he likes, who shuts her eyes to every infidelity and lets him walk over her ... would never lose him" (p 207). Huweliksontrouheid word gesien as "merely a distraction which fills his time away from her, 'like hunting or racing, a pursuit that takes him from you of an afternoon sometimes and does you no harm' ... Nancy's refusal to put sexual fidelity at the centre of her life with Gaston worked very well" (p 208). "For her, intolerance of homosexuality and insistence on monogamy were indicators of cultural immaturity" (p 227).

"Nancy Mitford was much better equipped to deal with infidelity than many woman today. Within her social class, adultery was regarded as entirely routine and had been for ever. So long as there was no scandal ... hence the shibboleth of never remarking on paternal resemblance in an upper-class child ... monogamy wasn't really up their boulevard" (p 204). Die getroude, opperklas, Franse vrou redeneer "that other woman might be the flowers, but she would always be the tree" (205). [In hierdie konteks het ek al gehoor van die hamburger wat haastig geëet word terwyl die biefstuk by die huis wag.] "Nancy decided ... that to elevate fidelity at the expense of everything else in her relationship was simply childish" (p 207).

Rodd het jare lank verseg om ’n egskeiding toe te laat: "Prod ... had no intention of releasing his meal ticket" (p 157). Hy het onverwags en ontydig by Mitford se woonstel opgedaag en hulp (bv geld) van haar verwag. "So long as she was married, she did not have to face the fact that Gaston wouldn't have her even if she were free. And it was convenient for Gaston to bring up the threat to his political respectability when it suited him" (p 157). Hy het haar gereeld besoek "though he never stayed the night" (p 158). "Being made love to by Gaston was like 'being run over by an express train' ... Not necessarily unpleasant" (p 196).

De Gaulle se beleid was in baie opsigte onrealisties. "De Gaulle had his head in the clouds and his feet in the shit" (p 168). Palewski moes dikwels probeer regmaak wat De Gaulle verbrou het. Dit is "'sweetening' De Gaulle's policies" genoem (p 171). [Dit herinner my aan Nelson Mandela se bewind, soos uitgebeeld in RW Johnson se South Africa's Brave New World (2009), toe Thabo Mbeki telkens moes ingryp nadat Mandela drooggemaak het.] De Gaulle het dit teen die onbetroubaarheid van politici gehad: "All it takes is a red carpet rolled out under your feet for you to walk on it, whatever its direction!" (p 212). Oor Palewski, wat die een hoë politieke pos na die ander beklee het, is gesê: "De Gaulle may have selected him as being one of the few men uglier than himself" (p 181).

Toe Palewski die pos van Franse ambassadeur in Rome aanvaar, is daar oor sy verhouding met Mitford geskryf: "It really is all over" (p 215). "Rome was worth a discarded mistress. Gaston had never lied to her. He had promised her nothing and that was what she had got" (p 219). "The thought of ... finding Paris without him was too much to bear" vir Mitford (p 216). "Paris seemed gloomy without him" (p 220). In Italië is Palewski spoedig "'Embrassadeur" genoem (p 217). "In Rome ... Gaston offered an attractive girl a lift home in the ambassadorial car, to which she replied, 'no thank you, I'm much too tired this evening. I'd rather walk'" (p 235).

Mitford het Palewski elke jaar in Rome besoek. "Nancy's visits were not a duty to Gaston, they were a joy" (p 221). Teen die einde van 1957 het Rodd ingestem om van Mitford te skei. "He ... agreed to give Nancy her freedom at precisely the moment when her lover appeared to have slipped from her clutches" (p 221). "Peter's refusal to give her a divorce had kept marriage as a fantasy; after that, as a divorcée and a Protestant, she was out of the question because of Gaston's career" (p 254).

Teen 1961 het Mitford te hore gekom dat Palewski ’n buite-egtelike seun verwek het. "Gaston wrote that his affection for her had in no way diminished, that this 'small and sweet new element' in his life should not affect their relationship. 'I mind' returned Nancy ... Gaston tried to be sensitive, explaining that the situation was so natural there was no reason for her self-respect to be wounded" (p 236). Hy het nie met die moeder van sy kind getrou nie. "Maybe this was the point at which Nancy accepted that there was to be no happy ending ... there was still love between them, proud, bruised, but enduring. It is utterly antithetical to modern sensibilities, such unconditional love, but it is not ugly, and Nancy refused ugliness all her life" (p 237).

Teen 1962 was Palewski terug in Parys. "Since his return from Rome, their relationship had become calmer" (p 243). Aan die begin van 1967 het Mitford uit Parys na Versailles getrek. "Although they were still very close, she was seeing less and less of Gaston" (p 245). Violette de Pourtales (1915-2003) is in 1937 getroud, het drie kinders gehad en was sedert 1951 in ’n verhouding met Palewski. Haar man het eers in 1969 ’n egskeiding toegestaan. Kort daarna het Palewski met haar getrou, dus met ’n geskeide vrou; iets wat volgens hom ’n huwelik met Mitford onmoontlik gemaak het. "Gaston had married a Protestant divorcée" (p 255). Violette het ’n groot landgoed 36 kilometer van Parys besit. ’n Vriend van Palewski het gesê: "Yes, he did love Nancy Mitford. But he loved château and duchesses more" (253). Palewski het gesê: "I've always loved high ceilings" (p 253). Violette was "no intellectual ... very simple, not amusing or interesting or pretty" (p 253). Palewski het Mitford vooraf oor sy trouplanne ingelig. Sy het Violette as ’n "sort of non-person" beskou (p 252).

Voordat Mitford kennis geneem het van Palewski se trouplanne is kanker by haar gediagnoseer. Daar is geopereer maar teen 1970 het sy geskryf: "I can't go on, I've got such a dreadful pain" (p 256). In 1972 het Palewski gesorg dat Mitford met die Légion d'Honneur vereer word "for the services her books had done to France" (p 260). "Gaston wrote that as one aged, life became an Appian Way, a journey bordered by tombs" (p 257). In haar laaste brief aan Palewski, in 1973, het Mitford geskryf: "I think and hope to die" (p 260). Hy het haar die laaste maal ’n uur voor haar dood besoek. "When he spoke to her and held her hand, she smiled" (p 261).

Palewski het nog elf jaar gelewe. "He talked of the peculiar sadness of satisfied ambition ... his marriage was not ideal ... he seemed 'constrained' by Violette's presence. Old friends distanced themselves because ... they were tired of the coldness between Gaston and his wife. When he became ill and wheelchair-bound ... Guston was not comforted by a loving and supportive family" (p 261). "Nancy always warned Gaston that marriage was not for him" (p 262).

Van die ses Mitford-susters lewe nog net die jongste een, Deborah (gebore in 1920). Sy het in 2010 oor Nancy geskryf: "She never had the happiness that most women seek; luck plays such a big part in meeting the right person at the right time and that luck eluded her" (SêNet, 25.10.2011).

Johannes Comestor