Litnet

Sonia Joubert is a sex therapist and she responds to the confession published on LitNet on the 15th of January.

The issue in relationships and marriages of having different sexual needs, opposite views towards sex or incompatible libido levels is more widespread and prevalent than most of us realise! In our natural state, we are sexual beings, so this is obviously tremendously frustrating for the partners in relationships who are unable to engage freely and often in sexual relations with their beloved – as so many have expressed here.

There are so many reasons for loss or lowering of libido. In my years as a life coach I have heard so many different causes for people losing interest in sex, even in a healthy relationship with someone they adore. Only when we understand the reasons for not feeling or expressing sexual desire can we begin to remedy the situation. So, as in any great mystery, we will have to dig deep to uncover the reasons if we’re going to have a chance at solving the problem!

There are both external and internal factors that can lead us to disconnect from our sexuality.

External factors include:

    •   Age-related hormone imbalance or other changes in physiology. Men’s testosterone levels decline at around 48 years (testopause) and libido or sexual function can also reduce at this stage. Menopause in women is often also accompanied by lower libido. I’ve even encountered a 30-year-old woman whose libido was restored with testosterone supplementation, because her testosterone levels (yes, women also have testosterone) were way too low.
    •   Work stress.
    •   Financial pressure. Many men feel less virile when their business is in trouble or their finances take a knock.
    •   Depression. Anti-depressants cause loss of libido for some people, and undiagnosed or untreated depression means no nooky for your partner either!
    •   Low self-esteem due to changes in appearance. Weight gain or any change in our appearance that makes us feel unattractive can also switch off the “turn-on”.  
    •   Having an affair. Need I say more?
    •   Sex is unsatisfying – physically or emotionally. One woman disliked and barely tolerated sex with her husband for fourteen years. He was her first sexual partner, so she had no idea how pleasurable sex could be. (Her husband climbed on top, in the dark, and was done after a boring three minutes.) Only after having an affair did she realise how fantastic sex could be! Fortunately, she stopped the affair, educated her husband on what he should be doing to make their sexual experience more satisfying, and they are still very happily married after 25 years now. They say that their sex life is better than ever!
    •   Sex is painful or uncomfortable – especially for some women (and you don’t want to say so!). There are many reasons for this (some will need medical attention), but the most common reason is insufficient lubrication – this may be from too little foreplay and the man entering the woman without her being completely relaxed, turned on, desiring and ready.
    •   Having children and pets sleeping in your bed!

Internal factors include:

    •   Resentment and suppressed anger that has built up over time.
    •   Disconnecting emotionally due to losing touch with each other (growing apart), possibly due to work, kids or hobbies taking more of our time and interest.
    •   Not getting our needs met in relationship. Remember, our sex organ is between our ears, not between our legs! (Of course, it’s in our heart, too. We need to feel safe, loved, nurtured and desired emotionally too!)
    •   No communication.
    •   Relationship gone stale. (“We love each other, but we’re just not in love anymore.”)
    •   Loss of respect or disdain for our partner.
    •   Change in perception of our partner. (“She’s a mother and a housewife, not that sexy little thing I married!”)
    •   Secretly wanting to get out of the marriage.
    •   Social and psychological conditioning from childhood – a “sex is bad or dirty” belief system. One woman even said she thought that masturbation was evil!
    •   Different “love languages” (see Gary Chapman’s book called The Five Love Languages). A woman complained that her husband never tells her she looks beautiful (and she is!) and only ever touches her when he wants sex. Her love languages are clearly Verbal and Touch, while her husband’s love languages are Acts of Service (he does things for her) and Quality Time (he likes just to be around her). Only when he learned to communicate his love in the languages that make her feel loved did their sex life come back to life.
    •   Being in denial about our sexual orientation. There are many stories of people “coming out of the closet” after having been married and had children.

How do we uncover the cause of our AWOL sex and passion? It takes some deep, honest soul-searching, some courageous conversation and a depth of honesty in communicating with our partner. Often we need professional help to help us get to the cause of why we’re “just not in the mood” anymore. Only once we connect to what’s getting in the way can we begin to address the issue and clear the obstacles. In the case of external factors like work stress or weight gain we may need to be patient and understand that, in the context of spending a lifetime together we may go through some ups and downs and “dry phases” for months at a time (two years is not a “dry phase”, it’s a problem!).

How to resolve more deep-seated issues? There is much help out there. Therapists, books, blogs, workshops, and more. If you are the partner who pretends to be asleep to avoid your partner’s sexual advances, then – out of your love for and commitment to your mate – please seek the help you need.

Sexual intimacy is a healthy and vital part of a relationship. If you don’t commit to doing whatever it takes to overcome your own lack of interest or your aversion to sex, you are robbing both yourself and your loved one of an essential component of a loving marriage. Sex between two people who love each other is sacred, loving, sensual, spiritual, emotionally fulfilling, uplifting and so much fun! Make sure you don’t miss out!

Would you like to give your opinion? Send an email to hyg@litnet.co.za.